Dear father,
It has been many years since we have last talked. I wrote you a short story - about our past and a short glimpse of my perspective. I am saddened how things have gone between us, possibly beyond repair. Humans are difficult and I am certain that you will learn to see things my way.
I used to be a mother's child. I wasn't close to you. You were mostly at work and at home you would enjoy yourself with movies and alcohol. As a kid the only time actually spent together were on holidays, besides your strong desire to always go exploring we had our few family moments which I treasure dearly.
After we moved together to the little Meditereanen island together I felt like I got to know you better We lived together for a year and it felt like I actually had a father. We used to watch sci-fi movies, play Age of Empires, and explore the island. You have told me you regretted how you weren't present in the past and were glad you could spend this time with me. During that time, I became estranged from my mother as I got closer to you.
Not long after my parents divorce, your new girlfriend and her daughter moved in with us. It was a complicated time. I certainly have mixed emotions at this time. It felt like our home was being invaded by strangers, and I had to learn to accept a new reality I did not choose. It wasn't my decision after all. I know it must have been difficult for everyone; I did not know how to deal with my emotions at that time and acted in hateful ways towards some and I regret doing so.
As the years passed, you became a more distant parent once again. It was only the weekends we shared, and many of those were filled with shouting, as you would argue with your new girlfriend. The home became a battlefield. I took any opportunity not to be there. Drinking, spending days outside. Not wanting to be stuck in this home that did not feel home. And worst of all you weren't present when I needed you most.
I wasn't doing well. I had a bad year - the worst year of my life, actually. I would pretend everything was okay, faking a smile whenever, but inside I was dying. I needed help. I was developing anxiety issues and suffering from severe depression. I had burnouts, and when I told you about them, you mocked me, telling me how ridiculous I am. You didn't take me seriously and provided no help.
On my 18th birthday, it became apparent that I was living a lie. Asking me to smile? While I want to die? What do presents mean if I don't want to live? Yet no one on that day asked me if I was okay or how I was feeling. Everything around me seemed so superficial—a Barbie world full of fake smiles and fake accomplishments.
Thank God, that once I graduated I finally had taken my life into my own hands. It was and still is the best decision of I have made in my life. To travel, to heal, to find out who I am and what I want, and to find a purpose in life. The journey never ends, and I have learned to heal from the past and to regain a focus in my mind, after it had been stolen from me.
In many ways I am fortunate I had the courage to get out and learn from others how to exist in this broad world. In truth, I soon realized how flawed you were and how little you really taught me of the real world.
Many people are depressed, I found a way out, because I did not listen to you. Your advise, your wishes were the toxins poisoning my mind.
I know people with similar issues who still haven't healed after many more years. I had found a way to fix myself. I discovered a path that led me to one thing and then to another. From the outside, I must have appeared crazy; on the inside, I was sorting myself out and figuring out my life. A life that I had lost as a teen but regained as an adult. A spark that needed to be rekindled as it had died in a vicious loop of negativity.
It wasn't long after that that you fully abandoned me — not only me but all your biological children. Yet your ego will never recognize that you have made a mistake. You are too proud and think you are the smartest, yet you can't sleep without finishing a bottle of wine and some shots of liquor. There is a reason that all your children suffered from mental illness. There is a reason we had to find a path of healing. The blame cannot be on us if you weren't present when we needed you.
I am, however, thankful that I had you at all, and the few moments we shared have defined me in certain ways. You have left your mark on this world, and hopefully I will leave mine. I will not let my life go to waste.
Yours faithfully,
Martin Schiller